As a big advocate of the WoW community, and a (hopefully) somewhat active member in it, you can bet your sissy robes I'm pretty much a dorfish cheerleader for WoW Community.

I'm not just talking about the blogging or podcasting community. I'm not just talking about the world-first raiders. I'm talking about the wow-playing community - which includes all those random people you meet in pugs.

Now, I ask again: How do YOU feel about the WoW community?

The following thread made me start thinking about this question a lot - and when I spotted it on the WoW forums, and read Nethaera's response, I just had to share it. Every now and then Nethaera chimes in on a thread, and just adds a lot of life and warmth to it - she has this amazing ability to give someone a very gentle smackdown. You know, the kind where you're laying on the floor wondering what the hell just happened, but your face doesn't hurt one bit. This girl's got skills, man.

In the forum thread, the OP tells the story of a random heroic run in which the tank was pretty much an outright jerk. The details aren't really that important, since it's pretty much the same story you hear all over about random PuGs and a specific category of self-righteous tanks. The OP feels pretty desolate about the state of the WoW community due to the asinine antics of the tank and the sexism and vitriol spewed forth from one of the DPS.

These kind of ppl disgust me, depresses me since it shows that not even in a game where the goal is to relax and have fun, people are just as cruel and heartless as in the real world.... I know this behavior has been around in vanilla and in BC but honestly it seems to be more virulent and frequent. I will forever never understand how people can and will act like this to other humans. Perhaps i should consider quitting despite enjoying the game and maybe the expansion coming up.

I sympathize with the OP, I really do. I don't think he is a whiny player, or pathetic for being sad about the state of people with whom he is playing this game. Running into a PuG with one jerk and three average, quiet people will generally be scalded into your brain as "that shitty pug with the jerk". But the truth is, out of five people, that's one bad apple. Maybe the other three aren't particularly stellar examples of warmth and comraderie, but often times in LFD pugs, people just decide not to talk in order to avoid potential conflict with random jerks.

It reminds me of my dating days. Back in my youth (ha), when I lived in the dorms, I didn't really care much for college guys. So I fell back on what I felt most comfortable with: teh internetz. I dated people I met through online personals, and I was never really ashamed or embarassed by it. Truth is, the folks I met online are still some of the best people I've ever met - because I was able to relate to them through conversation instead of just both being in the right place at the right time. Hell, I met the guy to whom I'm engaged through an online personals site.

My mother, however, was not very fond of this concept (once she met my fiance though, she decided internet matching was a fantastic idea and promotes it to any singleton that will hear her). She was always worried about me meeting "creepy internet people". I think it never occurred to her that by her definition, I was a creepy internet person. One day I explained to her that the percentage of creepy people in the general internet population is the same as in the "real world" of folks hanging out at a bar - but if you talk to them over the internet, you have a safer way to weed out the creepies before actually meeting them face to face and putting yourself at risk.

The sad truth is, it's not that the WoW community sucks. In general, people are just more likely to be jerks to strangers - internet or no internet. The internet just allows you to meet a hell of a lot more strangers. You get jerks on every forum, and the WoW forums are certainly no exception.

In fact, the WoW community is actually pretty stellar. It's huge, and all encompassing. I think in order to get a feel for how great the community is, you actually have to step outside of the game. You even need to step away from the forums. Check out some blogs, some podcasts, twitter, conventions... truthfully, you could probably just ask around your workplace or school and you'd find someone else who plays WoW.

The thread in question got very big, very quickly. It's probably because Nethaera stepped down and got a little stern with the community-downers (as a side note, I really don't understand jumping on a community forum to ... bash the very community hosting that forum).

My input? The community is amazing. I love it. That said, bad impressions often last longer than good ones. There are always people looking to stir up things or cause some trouble, but I would strongly advise you not to let these types of experiences swallow up all the other good ones you've had or could have in the future.

And later in the thread...

I'd say it's an understatement myself. I've seen a lot of things and met a lot of people over the years. Yes, it is an amazing community of people. Take a look at the 5 and 15 year anniversary photos. Take a look at all the fan art. Look at the fansites or listen to the podcasts. Check out some of the WoW Stories, the comics, the craft projects people make, the cakes and cookies they've baked, the machinima that has been made. Check out all of the guilds that exist and the challenges they've taken on. And then there are all the things you don't see, because people don't generally go around saying, "I did x, y, z nice things for people today."

I've gotten hugs at BlizzCon from these people and watched the joy that has been shown as they met up with friends they've never met before, or reunited with ones they hadn't seen in awhile and much much more.

I get tired of seeing the community as a whole get a bad rap because of a few inconsiderate people who haven't learned how to play nice with others. It happens, but those people are not the entirety of the community and even those people can be amazing at times when they choose to be.

She chimes in multiple times later in the thread, and I encourage you to go through and at least read what she has to say. Her eternal positive attitude is personally inspiring, and it's not just because of the game.

Three cheers to the WoW community - and if you're reading this, you're an integral part of it. You, reader, are the WoW community, and I think you're great. It's people like you that make this game much bigger and better than the pixels from which it is constructed.

I've had a couple of emails, and some very pointy pokes from my friends so here's the skinny:

No! I'm not done blogging!

Hiatus? Yes.

I am currently working for the US Census Bureau knocking on people's doors, invading their privacy, asking them annoying questions, and overall just trying to avoid getting shot. I work at random hours based on when people will be home. And I am le tired.

Unlike working in an office, I'm not actually in front of a computer most of the time. I am only playing WoW somewhere between 2-4 hours a week, and it takes a lot of kicking and screaming to get me to do even that! I am woefully behind in my blog reading (see below).

Even before the Census job began, I was suffering badly from WoW Burnout. I don't know if it's the pre-xpack doldrums, or just the raider burnout I was/am feeling, but I go through this on a fairly regular basis. This is just the first time I've had such a long burnout duration while being a blogger... so I suppose it's more obvious!

WoW is still a big part of my life (is that really sad? I don't know), and much like my relationships with anything and everything, it ebbs and flows depending on where my head is that week.

I've been quiet because I don't like making excuse posts. I don't like reading posts that promise someone will be back in a few days, or apologizing for being absent. I'll write when I feel like writing, and I'm not gonna write filler crap in the meantime! If I post something, it's because I feel like it's worth other people reading. Otherwise, you'd read something like "Home ownership is stupid. It's like raiding. Because in raiding, there's always someone stupid who is dying in a fire. Wallpaper should die in a fire. Yeah." etc. (For the record, wallpaper really should diaf, good God!)

So, in conclusion, YES I will be back, NO I have not quit. Oh also, no, sadly I'm not knocked up like any feisty blood elf warlocks you may know (you crazy kids)! I am currently keeping myself frazzled by the following:

• Knocking on strangers' doors, asking how many people live there, hoping they don't hate me
• Making a huge mess by attempting to paint bedrooms so we can sell this Godforsaken house
• Preparing to move about 50 miles south
• Working out a way to go back to uni to finish up my graduate degree and/or get a Real Job TM
  
• Trying to transform a Bachelor Pad House into something someone with any sense might actually consider buying (Sorry honey, but the storm trooper helmets and the alien heads will soon be in storage)
• Documenting all the house stuff "properly", because writing about remodeling a home is way more fun than actually doing the remodeling of a home.
  
• Avoiding my google reader like the plague, because it's really scary...

For shits and giggles, here's some random stuff for your viewing and linking pleasure.

• My guild is named the Lothar Swingers Club (and we've recently added a few to our roster, so we now actually have ten people!). I'm considering purchasing this residence for our clubhouse. Totally a Swinger's house, amirite?
• Druids don't approve of low cholesterol diets. Proof.
• Quit taking smoke breaks during the raid! Start Vaming!
• WoW situations that make map-lovers sad.
  

This is what we call a "serious post". Do not go further if you have no interest in, uhm, well TMI about me I suppose.

I was going to write an About Me page due to a very exciting invitation for an upcoming event, but I didn’t know how. Due to the nature of my subject, WoW is supposed to be the place where I can escape being me… not talk about being me. That’s why it’s a Role Playing Game.

And then I read Tam’s “serious” post, and after crying for far longer than I care to admit, it occurred to me that if a Brit can expose so much emotional underbelly, then really, as a soppy American given to truly heinous and embarrassing acts of sentimentalism, why shouldn’t I feel free to do so as well?

So here you are. The truth is, I play WoW because I am depressed.

Does that seem anti-climatic? Maybe a disappointment? Are you rolling your eyes? I don’t really blame you. It's incredibly embarrassing for me to admit it out loud, let alone broadcast it on the internet. I'd love to deny it, that I'm not one of those gamers. It sounds like the same old boring story, pathetic and cliché. But it’s not. It’s a hobby I actively chose in an effort to allow myself, however ironically, to just be me – and in a very primal way, it was a last ditch attempt at survival. I used it to escape my life, but not to escape being me.

It began as a place to hide. Years later, it became the neighborhood bar I visit to catch up with friends and have fun. In “real life” I am not yet able to do this easily, but after a few years of playing WoW, I am determined to try again – with new friends. The ones I made in WoW. I want to go to Blizzcon and meet up with other bloggers. I want to take road trips to different places to visit with friends I've made in game. These are positive changes for me.

When I first started playing WoW in January of 2007, I was in a downward spiral, and this alternate universe, devoid of all the things in my life that left me feeling helpless and hopeless, provided a stepping stone to survival. No, it doesn’t really propel my life further. However, it does help me from sinking deeper. It’s the boulder jutting out from a sea of complete and utter despair that keeps me from being consumed by the hurricane in my own mind. It’s the bubble, the Divine Aegis proc. This is srs bzns.

I’m not depressed in some beautiful dystopian Picasso-blue-period sense. It’s not just a funk. It’s the clinical version, and yet there is nothing about it that feels clinical. The type that has been there your whole life, and just gets worse as you age. The kind that’s hereditary. The kind that explains why some of your relatives seem to drop off, one by one, into alcoholic or drug-induced self destruction, if they even last that long. The kind that translates into this heavy disease that calcifies into your bones, and makes the concept of moving your feet off the side of the bed and standing up on them in the morning tantamount to an Olympic competition. I know how pathetic it sounds, but this silly game is the tiny boost I sometimes need to help inspire me to at least get out of bed. After the first step, everything else gets a bit easier.

I don’t sit around feeling sorry for myself. I don’t try to bring down people around me. Every day most of my effort (and believe me when I say that every single tiny action seems like a gigantic effort) is funneled into keeping all of it contained within me, so that I don’t systematically destroy the threads that connect me to others I know I love.

If you’ve read my blog at all over the past year, you may have noticed that I take on the Happy Hippie Healer Hat. It’s true that I try to be a very cheerful and optimistic person. When changes happen in the game, I do try to look at them from the positive side, attempting to be bright, and warm and welcoming. By nature, I am a cheerful, outgoing, exuberant person. When you meet me in person I hover back and forth between giddy playfulness and self-conscious awkward moments. The first part is the genuine me, the second is the part I try to overcome. If I were to try and separate the clinically depressed version of me from the version that has trouble finding a reason to get out of bed in the morning, then this is what I get.

Tam pointed out something that really struck home with me:

And I know anonymity also makes us susceptible to the Greater Internet Fuckwad Theory, but there’s a flip side to this – the shy can be outspoken, the awkward can be flirtatious, the insecure can find acceptance, the followers can lead and the anti-social can be social. I don’t necessarily believe virtual spaces miraculously turns us into people other than we are, but I do think it can allow us to tap into aspects of ourselves that may not find much expression in our chosen lives.

And there you are. The person I am here, in this silly little game, over vent… that’s the real version of me. The person that others may see day in and day out, face to face? That is the diseased, sickened persona. It’s twisted and backwards and completely counter-intuitive, but there you have it.

I often think of depression like a cancer. It’s this tumor that grows and manifests in weird ways. It covers up portions of your true self. The tendrils of that tumor intertwine into my very nature until even I start to get confused, and I don’t know where I end and the tumor begins. It’s like a snobold on my head. You see the snobold, and maybe you confuse that snobold with me. I wish I could ask all the DPS to switch to the snobold on my head, take it down, and everything would be alright.

This is why I get frustrated when I hear people say that depression isn’t real, that it’s just people feeling sorry for themselves. It is real, it does exist, and pretending it’s not has lead to an epidemic of people seeking alternate realities in which they can escape the tumor. Some people chose alcohol, others drugs. Well. I chose World of Warcraft. When I felt like I was collapsing, I reached out and grasped onto something that would still allow me, in some strange way, to connect to other people.

I’m not a Psychologist. But it does seem to me, from my 25 years of experience with this disorder, that depression has a physicality associated with it. By that I mean that it manifests differently depending on the environment. We pick and choose our comfort zones, and in certain comfort zones, we can “trick” the tumor. We can escape from beneath its heady weight, and breathe freely. The weightlessness is like flying. I can be in top form in a raid, without getting caught up in worrying that others are thinking my gestures too wide, my face too animated, my exuberance too obnoxious. While I still retain some of my self-conscious nature, it is not as extreme. Occasionally my fiancé tells me I laugh too loud in vent, but that’s about as far as it goes. Can you ever really laugh too loud or too much? When you don’t find yourself laughing much on a day to day basis, then you treasure each chuckle.

In Azeroth, we’re all on an even playing field. It is very clear what is reality, and what is not. The world in which we play is a fantasy, it is not a true translation of the world in which we actually exist. However, the social interactions within are – or at least, can be if you choose to make them so. You might be a former cheerleader in the real world, working at a fashion magazine, whereas I could be an overgrown goth chick, who works a sex hotline number in off peak hours (well, okay, I'm not, but the point stands). But none of that really matters, because you tank, and I heal, and somehow, despite all the real world details that would keep us from becoming friends, we both chose to roll female Dwarves. So we must have something in common. And somewhere along the line, we became friends. What might have stood between us IRL is no longer there in game.

Anything can be self-destructive, if taken to the extreme. What some people call an addiction is actually a propensity to latch on to one thing and focus on it, single-mindedly, for a great length of time, to the detriment of all other facets of your life. One summer I was so wrapped up in my own misery, I tucked in with yet another Tolstoy epic and refused to speak to anyone… or sleep… or eat… until I felt like I wanted to jump under the train with Anna Karenina herself. Many years later, during one particularly devastating winter of personal failure, I latched on to World of Warcraft to keep myself from going back to my self-destructive Anna Karenina obsession. At least if I sank down into Azeroth, I wouldn’t be alone.

I’ve known a great many number of people who, in their downward spirals, grasped a bottle of Vodka in one hand, and a drug dealer in the other, and sank deeper and deeper until they simply disintegrated. Depression lends itself to self-destructive behavior simply because subconsciously (and sometimes consciously) you do want to destroy yourself. You want to push everyone else out, be alone, and just dissolve. I never allowed myself to get sucked into a drug or drink binge; instead I opted for an alternate reality that still enabled me to keep people in my life. The game forced me into social situations, without the physical awkwardness that usually inhibits me.

It doesn’t matter where the threads of connection between you and other people take place; What matters is that they exist, somewhere. I don’t need my Pally Tank BFF to talk to me about how I had yet another grotesque nightmare and today is officially a Bad Day. I don’t need her to come over and have beers with me to cheer me up. What matters is that she’s there, somehow, some way. That is a thread of connection that sustains me; It is an obligation to another human being, and an unspoken expectation from them that I keep on keeping on.

I'm not writing this to procure pity or sympathy, or even understanding from others. But I know I'm not the only one who has used WoW as a way to stay afloat. I suspect I speak for many people when I explain why I believe that MMOs don't make us depressed - we come to them when we are already depressed. I want you to know - you aren't alone.

It is, after all, just a game. But the relationships within it are real. And trust me when I say, it’s not the game mechanics that help me stay afloat in some small way. It’s the social threads that hold me up.