A German commenting on German politics
2 weeks ago
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
There is something attractive about gaming couples. It's not just that people all over are jealous of those whose significant others "get it", but there can be a significant bonus when people come in a pair. Especially if one of the pair is a healer or a tank... or a healer and a tank combo. Of course, this also comes with its fair share of problems for raiding guilds... what if one player is brilliant, while the other can't seem to stay out of the fire? To get one, must you take the other?
Gaming couples are also often drawn to other gaming couples. The pre-raid fish feast can become like something of a dinner party. I have a very extensive friends list, and sometimes I imagine that every single gaming couple on my server and faction is on my friends list. This scenario is actually one of the reasons for my guild name... after about the 8 millionth dungeon run in which I recruited some of my couples-friends to join us, a guild mate cleverly inquired whether I was starting the Lothar Swingers Club. The rest is history.
As someone who is one half of a gaming couple, I've had plenty of people tell me they are jealous of my circumstances. How nice it would be to have someone with whom you can share your gaming hobby! For the record, this attitude usually comes from males. Read into that what you will.
So let me go on the record right here by stating that gaming and raiding with your significant other is definitely not all hearts and butterflies.
Even if you aren't both competing against one another for a raid slot, there are still plenty of problems. Look, raiding is a tense environment and therefore can add a lot of stress to your relationship if you aren't careful. If you're sitting at your computer, alone IRL, screaming at the monitor and throwing your keyboard against the wall, there's no one there to see you act like a fool. However, your significant other may not be so impressed with that clever curveball you just threw with your mouse.
Remember this - when you have a criticism to make of another member of your raid, you have to make an effort to say something to them. By this, I mean you usually need to key vent to yell at them, which gives you a slight moment to reconsider whether this is what you really want to do. When you are sitting next to the person who just took a nap in the fire, there is no brief moment of pause to reconsider before screaming at them for being a complete idiot.
If you're pissed off at someone in your raid, or just generally ticked because things are not going well, there is a scapegoat sitting right next to you on whom you can vent all your anger. This is not exactly what one might call "ideal relationship conditions". Heaven forbid that person try to tell you how to play your character or class. Try sitting quietly while the other person leads a raid, and you just know they're doing it all wrong.
The worst part is when in game squabbles and real world arguments collide. Oh, I'm terribly sorry, did I forget to heal you? It must have been because I was so distracted by how fat you implied my ass looks in these jeans. Dear me, I simply didn't DPS that snobold down fast enough to prevent your death. I wonder if it was related to you calling my mother a shrew? Sometimes wife aggro is a lot worse when your wife is a fellow gamer.
It's silly, though a bit funny, to bring real world arguments into the gaming universe. But it's much worse to bring the gaming disagreements into the real world. I really am ashamed to admit how often my anger has been sparked by something my fiance did (or didn't do) in game that left me in a huff for the next day. Don't touch me, you loot-whoring nazi of a raid leader! Why didn't you stick up for me when so and so complained about my abilities? Why is your gear not properly enchanted and gemmed? Why haven't you paid me back for all that Mooncloth I sent you? I'm actually quite bad about it, embarassingly enough.
So, I write this post as something of a public apology for doing this. Also as a reminder that though the game is not "real life", the relationships and the people within are. I'm very lucky to have someone who shares my love of gaming, and I certainly have no wish to discount that. But that doesn't mean there aren't some struggles in spite of it. Balancing a real life with gaming can sometimes be a lot easier when your partner shares your hobby... and sometimes it can be a lot harder. In truth, if you have deep seated relationship issues, oftentimes gaming together can bring them out and highlight them.
However, I do have to say that the time my fiance wiped the CoS group because he was busy buying me a Bouquest of Black Roses is one of my happiest memories. Especially since I don't mind at all that I've received a lot more in game flowers than I have IRL. They're cheaper, and they don't die ;)
Gaming couples are also often drawn to other gaming couples. The pre-raid fish feast can become like something of a dinner party. I have a very extensive friends list, and sometimes I imagine that every single gaming couple on my server and faction is on my friends list. This scenario is actually one of the reasons for my guild name... after about the 8 millionth dungeon run in which I recruited some of my couples-friends to join us, a guild mate cleverly inquired whether I was starting the Lothar Swingers Club. The rest is history.
As someone who is one half of a gaming couple, I've had plenty of people tell me they are jealous of my circumstances. How nice it would be to have someone with whom you can share your gaming hobby! For the record, this attitude usually comes from males. Read into that what you will.
So let me go on the record right here by stating that gaming and raiding with your significant other is definitely not all hearts and butterflies.
Even if you aren't both competing against one another for a raid slot, there are still plenty of problems. Look, raiding is a tense environment and therefore can add a lot of stress to your relationship if you aren't careful. If you're sitting at your computer, alone IRL, screaming at the monitor and throwing your keyboard against the wall, there's no one there to see you act like a fool. However, your significant other may not be so impressed with that clever curveball you just threw with your mouse.
Remember this - when you have a criticism to make of another member of your raid, you have to make an effort to say something to them. By this, I mean you usually need to key vent to yell at them, which gives you a slight moment to reconsider whether this is what you really want to do. When you are sitting next to the person who just took a nap in the fire, there is no brief moment of pause to reconsider before screaming at them for being a complete idiot.
If you're pissed off at someone in your raid, or just generally ticked because things are not going well, there is a scapegoat sitting right next to you on whom you can vent all your anger. This is not exactly what one might call "ideal relationship conditions". Heaven forbid that person try to tell you how to play your character or class. Try sitting quietly while the other person leads a raid, and you just know they're doing it all wrong.
The worst part is when in game squabbles and real world arguments collide. Oh, I'm terribly sorry, did I forget to heal you? It must have been because I was so distracted by how fat you implied my ass looks in these jeans. Dear me, I simply didn't DPS that snobold down fast enough to prevent your death. I wonder if it was related to you calling my mother a shrew? Sometimes wife aggro is a lot worse when your wife is a fellow gamer.
It's silly, though a bit funny, to bring real world arguments into the gaming universe. But it's much worse to bring the gaming disagreements into the real world. I really am ashamed to admit how often my anger has been sparked by something my fiance did (or didn't do) in game that left me in a huff for the next day. Don't touch me, you loot-whoring nazi of a raid leader! Why didn't you stick up for me when so and so complained about my abilities? Why is your gear not properly enchanted and gemmed? Why haven't you paid me back for all that Mooncloth I sent you? I'm actually quite bad about it, embarassingly enough.
So, I write this post as something of a public apology for doing this. Also as a reminder that though the game is not "real life", the relationships and the people within are. I'm very lucky to have someone who shares my love of gaming, and I certainly have no wish to discount that. But that doesn't mean there aren't some struggles in spite of it. Balancing a real life with gaming can sometimes be a lot easier when your partner shares your hobby... and sometimes it can be a lot harder. In truth, if you have deep seated relationship issues, oftentimes gaming together can bring them out and highlight them.
However, I do have to say that the time my fiance wiped the CoS group because he was busy buying me a Bouquest of Black Roses is one of my happiest memories. Especially since I don't mind at all that I've received a lot more in game flowers than I have IRL. They're cheaper, and they don't die ;)
Powered by ScribeFire.
Last night, I snapped mid-raid. I slammed my keyboard. I shrieked to high heaven and bawled like a baby. In fact, it was so terrible, that when I went to sleep, I had nightmares, woke up still a mess, and couldn't fall back asleep. And today I'm confessing it on my blog, because I have no shame.What upset me so much that I reacted this way?
It was multiple factors, but what really set me off was whispered tells from someone nagging me about my healing assignments. And then pointing out that I always make the same mistakes with healing assignments. It's not that I can't take the criticism (which I normally can to a point) - it's the way in which it was delivered, the attitude behind it. It come to the point where I actually had to mute someone on vent, and was seriously considering putting them on my ignore list. This is a big problem when that person is someone with whom i actually DO need to communicate.
Look. I know you are just trying to help. I realize that when you explain, in great detail, over vent, repeatedly, every chance you get, exactly how, why, when, where, and WHO did everything wrong, you really are just trying to help us improve. I also realize that when you tell every single class how to play their class and ask why the &*%^ they don't just use such and such spell, and call them out for every mistake they make, you are just trying to be helpful. I know you are experienced and therefore you feel you have a right to talk non-stop OVER the raid leader. I know that when we mess up and you shriek into vent "SEE! I TOLD YOU SO!" that you are just.... well yeah i can't excuse that. You're just being a dick, sorry.
I will make another post about healer micromanagement, but right now I just need to vent. Why is it a problem when someone acts this way in a raid?
- You may think you are trying to help the raid, but what you are actually doing is trying to show your vast superior knowledge and experience. This is NOT for the good of the raid - it drags down the morale of the group as a whole, in order to raise your own individual self-opinion.
- The worst thing of all is that this RUINS focus. We couldn't get "in the zone" last night. I was a mess, and could not heal properly. People should have been topped off who weren't. There is no excuse for having 7 healers, and not having DPS topped off if they aren't doing anything wrong. Even Fulguralis noticed it, and normally he has both eyes staring greedily at the recount meter. (I'm just poking at you Ful!)
- If I were just another DPS, I could put the person in question on my ignore list, and mute them in vent. It's extreme, but if it's ruining my focus, and that person is not a raid leader, it may be the best thing to do. Unfortunately, as a healing lead, I really should not be doing that. I can't ignore you because if something DOES go wrong, I need to be able to hear what you may communicate.
If it's not a problem for anyone but me, then it is my responsibility to step down, to step out. This is my problem, and I should address it. And maybe the only way to address it is just to not come to the raid. It's not from some fit of pique, but more because I can't do my job, I cannot focus, and it upsets me far too much to be able to function properly.
Labels:
headbashing,
officer skillz,
raid makeup,
raiding,
rant,
relationships,
zomg social theory
5
comments
|
|
The problem with that thing all WoW players know as “DRAMA” is that once the drama ball starts rolling, it’s hard to stop. You get caught in this sticky web, and the more you try and get out of the drama-vironment, the worse you seem to make it. It’s like there is a panic in the streets, and anything you say or do can and will be treated as MOAR DRAMA.It usually doesn't stem from one source. We've got it running rampant in our Alliance right now, and it's not just from one person, I assure you. It's like a disease that is spreading quickly through our ranks. Hell, I've been suckered in myself, and contributed a lot more to it than I meant to.
The underlying sources of drama
The relative anonyminity of the internet allows us all to release our inner jerk. Yet, even despite this, the biggest problem is miscommunication, and even that comes down to basic human flaws. People are wimpy. It’s so much easier to tell someone they are doing a great job, than to tell them they suck. Now, for some people, it’s a helluva lot more fun to tell people they suck – but in general I don’t like spending time with those people anyway. Except my fiancé, and that’s just because he’s cute.
It’s not easy to step up, and privately tell someone you don’t like what they are doing. It requires a lot of diplomacy. Doing it in anger will only make it worse, and if you can’t be calm and rational when expressing your grievances with someone, then you will most likely just make it worse. I’m a big proponent of positive honesty, and I have been accused of many things because of it.
It’s not easy to be that person who gets criticized – even when it’s done in a private, calm, rational way. I don’t take criticism very well and I’ll be the first to admit it. I know some people who always seem to assume the best about themselves – unless they are told they are doing a crappy job, they believe they are doing quite well. They give too much credence to kind compliments. I’m the extreme opposite of that particular type of benevolent arrogance. I always assume I’m doing everything wrong, and that I am crap at everything I do. Unless someone tells me I’m doing a good job, I assume I’m not. So if someone shoots criticism at me, it really shakes me – because I don’t need confirmation of my own failures.
If you cannot stand up and explain to someone how and why you are disgruntled with them, if you cannot appreciate the bravery it takes for someone to express their grievances about you TO you, then you are failing at mature human interaction. Being a WoW player doesn’t excuse you from mature human behavior.
From where I’m standing, that’s the source of the drama. People are being unfair to one another, and it all comes back to that fear of honesty. So let’s break it down.
- It is unfair to expect others to fix a problem they do not realize exists.
- Most people do not read minds. A lot of people who play this game are really dense. There’s no point in getting pissed off about something they cannot change about themselves. If you want more positive outcomes, you have to adapt. You cannot realistically expect others to know you are upset with them unless you TELL them – and tell them why.
- Informing others that you are upset with them will likely not have a very positive response if you do it in a public fashion that is meant to attack, alienate, or accuse them.
- If someone takes great pains to apologize to you for something they’ve done to upset you, or if someone goes to great effort to rectify their previous actions due to your criticisms, it is unfair to attack them in such a public setting. They are doing all they can to rectify their mistakes. Get over your grudges, and try to come at it with a clear head. Did they listen to your criticisms? Have their words and activities since you expressed your concerns shown a marked improvement? Are they at least trying? Give them credit.
Venting your frustration
Everyone gets pissed off about the ways things are being run in a guild or alliance from time to time. Sure, sure, if you had the ultimate power, I'm sure you could make it all better. Just ask Stalin.
Sometimes, all you want is to rant. It's cathartic. The thing is, you need to pick your rant location and audience ca
refully. Yesterday I was subjected to quite possibly the most amusing and annoying rant ever by a pretty good friend of mine. I could hold it against him, but truth be told - I'm glad he ranted to me instead of behind my back, or in a public forum. I'm especially glad that he chose to take it out on me instead of on the people who were the true sources of his anger. If we had been in the same room I probably would have punched him in the neck, but see, that's why the internet is so awesome. I would like to believe that he went off at me because he knew it was safe, and that I wouldn't hold it against him or anyone else. I know that my part in contributing to the current drama from which our group is suffering is due to my poor choice of rant locales and audiences. Go ahead and get out your frustrations, especially before you address them to the source, but take care not to influence others into a grudge they are unlikely to forgive anytime soon.Drama can be prevented
I recently had a misunderstanding with a very dear friend of mine in the WoW universe. Luckily for both of us, it was only semi-public; Only a handful of people saw what we had to say. We both shed a lot of tears about it, and then talked about it privately, and understand a lot more about one another. Now we’re back to mutual adoration. It all stemmed from taking things too personally (on both sides) and possibly being less than forthright with one another. Why didn’t this escalate to full on guild/alliance level drama? Because instead of attacking one another in increasingly public spaces, we decided to handle it privately, and accept one another’s apologies.
We’re both girls. I am trying to decide if I think this has any bearing on the outcome. I am the anti-sexist, so I usually try to avoid such generalizations. But there’s a lot of testosterone in WoW, and there sure are a lot of temper tantrums. Is this a solid trend? Moar research required! I need a flow chart.
Basically, most drama can be prevented by calm honesty, discreet disagreements, and rampant forgiveness. We all screw up. And most of the time? Our mistakes are not malicious. We can’t always see things from another perspective, unless that perspective is specifically explained to us.
I have multiple examples of people with whom I disagree on a regular basis. Anyone who reads both of our blogs knows that Ful and I are polar opposites on a lot of issues – but despite the fact that we annoy the hell out of one another, we are equal opponents, and we consistently remain friends. Perhaps this is borne out of mutual respect. But that respect came from being honest with one another when we piss each other off. If it were not for that fact, we could easily continually instigate loads of drama.
Maybe it’s due to the fact that I know from experience such drama can be prevented, but I have very little patience for people who, instead of approaching disagreements with a clear head and a calm tongue, decide to spark drama. Is it a need for attention? Do you want people to beg for forgiveness so that you feel more powerful? Or do you simply feel that it’s not worth the energy to try to rectify the situation through more appropriate channels?
Regardless, I find the best way to deal with these types of misplaced acrimony is simply to ignore it. It doesn’t mean I don’t care – but I’d rather let it blow over, and instead focus my attention on those who find more productive means of conflict resolution.
NB: Seriously. It couldn't get any cheesier than this. Too bad! You'll take what you get - and you'll LIKE IT!
It was the eyes that caught me.
I'd always heard that eyes were the windows to one's soul. So I just thought his windows needed a good washing. The truth was, there was no soul to view - but the windows themselves captivated me.
And now here I am, years later, sitting in bed, reading my new book "Repairing Relationships with Circle of Healing", while sitting next to a pretty grumpy death knight. He's yelling at the TV, threatening to send people on over to the "other side" to hang out with Arthas. I roll my eyes and close my book, and decide it's time to start a game we haven't played in a little while.
I turn my big dwarven doe eyes over to him, and say, in the most earnest voice I can muster... "Darf? Honey? Why do you love me?"
He freezes - in that superior way only Death Knights can.
Slowly he turns his head to face me and gives me a suspicious look. "What do you mean 'why do you love me'?"
"Well what are your reasons? What are the details about me that made you fall in love with me?"
"Fall... in love... with... wha?"
".. Are you saying you don't love me? Is that what you're telling me?!" I start to leak wet stuff from my eyes. Now he's starting to panic. I'm evil, I really, truly am.
"Jessabelle... it's not that.. it's just that... Dammit I'm here aren't I? Isn't that enough of an answer?!"
Once he starts getting angry, I know that the game is over, so I lift my face and beam gloriously up at him. "Touche! Guess you're right."
His eyes narrow and he growls at me. That's kinda hot actually, hm. That ghoul needs to go, though.
I know he loves me, even though he is completely incapable of really saying it, or why he feels that way, and half the time of even showing it. I knew what I was getting into from the very beginning. I know his heart is frozen somewhere below Icecrown, and I know he scoffs at the mere concept of "empathy". But I also know that everytime I've tried to leave, he's Death Gripped me right back, pouting and chastising me in indignant rage. He doesn't know how to show love, but he has anger and resentment mastered. Sometimes I just have to fill in the blanks.
How did a healer such as myself end up with this guy anyway?
Well, behind every holy priest is a shadow priest just waiting to be dual specced. I guess I have my darker side too.
"You should stop pouting and turn out the lights, Darf."
"I don't want to go to sleep. I'm not tired, dammit."
"Who said anything about sleep? I'm not tired either."
Another suspicious glare, and then a deep mournful sigh.
"Oh alright. I'll power through it. The baron always told me to 'Suffer Well', after all."
The room goes dark at exactly the same moment my fist makes contact with his shoulder.
I am just a worthless liar
I am just an imbecile
I will only complicate you
Trust in me and fall as well
I will find a center in you
I will chew it up and leave
I will work to elevate you
Just enough to bring you down
It was the eyes that caught me.
I'd always heard that eyes were the windows to one's soul. So I just thought his windows needed a good washing. The truth was, there was no soul to view - but the windows themselves captivated me.
And now here I am, years later, sitting in bed, reading my new book "Repairing Relationships with Circle of Healing", while sitting next to a pretty grumpy death knight. He's yelling at the TV, threatening to send people on over to the "other side" to hang out with Arthas. I roll my eyes and close my book, and decide it's time to start a game we haven't played in a little while.
I turn my big dwarven doe eyes over to him, and say, in the most earnest voice I can muster... "Darf? Honey? Why do you love me?"
He freezes - in that superior way only Death Knights can.
Slowly he turns his head to face me and gives me a suspicious look. "What do you mean 'why do you love me'?"
"Well what are your reasons? What are the details about me that made you fall in love with me?"
"Fall... in love... with... wha?"
".. Are you saying you don't love me? Is that what you're telling me?!" I start to leak wet stuff from my eyes. Now he's starting to panic. I'm evil, I really, truly am.
"Jessabelle... it's not that.. it's just that... Dammit I'm here aren't I? Isn't that enough of an answer?!"
Once he starts getting angry, I know that the game is over, so I lift my face and beam gloriously up at him. "Touche! Guess you're right."
His eyes narrow and he growls at me. That's kinda hot actually, hm. That ghoul needs to go, though.
I know he loves me, even though he is completely incapable of really saying it, or why he feels that way, and half the time of even showing it. I knew what I was getting into from the very beginning. I know his heart is frozen somewhere below Icecrown, and I know he scoffs at the mere concept of "empathy". But I also know that everytime I've tried to leave, he's Death Gripped me right back, pouting and chastising me in indignant rage. He doesn't know how to show love, but he has anger and resentment mastered. Sometimes I just have to fill in the blanks.
How did a healer such as myself end up with this guy anyway?
Well, behind every holy priest is a shadow priest just waiting to be dual specced. I guess I have my darker side too.
"You should stop pouting and turn out the lights, Darf."
"I don't want to go to sleep. I'm not tired, dammit."
"Who said anything about sleep? I'm not tired either."
Another suspicious glare, and then a deep mournful sigh.
"Oh alright. I'll power through it. The baron always told me to 'Suffer Well', after all."
The room goes dark at exactly the same moment my fist makes contact with his shoulder.
I am just a worthless liar
I am just an imbecile
I will only complicate you
Trust in me and fall as well
I will find a center in you
I will chew it up and leave
I will work to elevate you
Just enough to bring you down
On a Friday several weeks ago, my boyfriend fiance was having a light conversation with some of his work-mates regarding weekend plans. When asked what he was going to do that weekend, he told them he would be playing World of Warcraft with me. They laughed at him, and teased him about it, which I find very ironic, considering they all work together at a company that makes and produces games.
My shmexy Death Knight beau didn't bat an eye. "What are you going to do this weekend? Watch football? Does your wife enjoy watching football with you?" This quickly shut them up. You can call us dorky gamers if you like, but at least we've found something we enjoy doing together. Sure, maybe we could have healthier hobbies. I really respect that his parents go bike-riding together every weekend. However, me on a bike = epic fail, and in fact, most activities that require some sort of coordination or grace are out of my reach.
We spend a lot of time playing WoW. We probably spend way too much time playing WoW. But it is one of the few hobbies that we both really enjoy. We spend our gaming time with our friends - both IRL friends and in-game friends. It annoys me when people who are not gamers scoff at the idea of me considering these people my friends. Why? Because we don't get drunk together at a club on Friday nights? You may look at it as some digital alternative reality where i am friends with a bunch of ones and zeroes, but the truth of the matter is that behind that 3d model is a real person, who already has shown they share an interest with me. I have been friends with some of these people for over 3 years. When someone doesn't show up for a raid, we have their phone number, and we call to make sure they are okay. When I've been down on my luck, or truly depressed, I've had many long discussions with some of my WoW friends. If friendship is about having companionship and communication with someone who cares, then there is absolutely no reason why WoW players cannot fulfill that need for one another.
The fiance and I have been playing together for awhile, but I did start playing before him, and the guild I was in before he and his friends started playing Alliance side on our server was founded mostly by pairs of people. Therefore I know several couples who play the game together, which has prompted one of my single guild-mates to suggest that I must be leading the Lothar Swingers Club. That's not really my dish, but hey, I can see how it might look that way to others. In the same way that couples who frequent parties together might become fast friends with other couples, we do the same thing in WoW.
Except that our dinner parties are fish feasts.
My shmexy Death Knight beau didn't bat an eye. "What are you going to do this weekend? Watch football? Does your wife enjoy watching football with you?" This quickly shut them up. You can call us dorky gamers if you like, but at least we've found something we enjoy doing together. Sure, maybe we could have healthier hobbies. I really respect that his parents go bike-riding together every weekend. However, me on a bike = epic fail, and in fact, most activities that require some sort of coordination or grace are out of my reach.
We spend a lot of time playing WoW. We probably spend way too much time playing WoW. But it is one of the few hobbies that we both really enjoy. We spend our gaming time with our friends - both IRL friends and in-game friends. It annoys me when people who are not gamers scoff at the idea of me considering these people my friends. Why? Because we don't get drunk together at a club on Friday nights? You may look at it as some digital alternative reality where i am friends with a bunch of ones and zeroes, but the truth of the matter is that behind that 3d model is a real person, who already has shown they share an interest with me. I have been friends with some of these people for over 3 years. When someone doesn't show up for a raid, we have their phone number, and we call to make sure they are okay. When I've been down on my luck, or truly depressed, I've had many long discussions with some of my WoW friends. If friendship is about having companionship and communication with someone who cares, then there is absolutely no reason why WoW players cannot fulfill that need for one another.
The fiance and I have been playing together for awhile, but I did start playing before him, and the guild I was in before he and his friends started playing Alliance side on our server was founded mostly by pairs of people. Therefore I know several couples who play the game together, which has prompted one of my single guild-mates to suggest that I must be leading the Lothar Swingers Club. That's not really my dish, but hey, I can see how it might look that way to others. In the same way that couples who frequent parties together might become fast friends with other couples, we do the same thing in WoW.
Except that our dinner parties are fish feasts.
