Blizzabeth and JackHole Get a Divorce

JackHole: Hey Blizzabeth. I think we need to have a talk.

Blizzabeth: Oh no, JackHole. That sounds serious. Is everything okay?

JackHole: Well… no. No, not really Blizzabeth. I'm just not happy in this relationship anymore. I feel you're being a kinda crappy wife actually. I want a divorce.

Blizzabeth: What?! JackHole, say it isn't so! Surely we can work through this; You're very important to me, our marriage is very important to me… Look, I'll do anything to save this marriage. Please, you must tell me: Why are you so unhappy? What can I do to salvage our relationship?

JackHole: Okay, fine. Some changes will definitely need to be made around here for certain though.

Blizzabeth: I'm always open to suggestions, JackHole. Please share them with me.

JackHole: Well, see, you say that. But just last week I asked you to grow a third breast, and you completely refused.

Blizzabeth: …

JackHole: See? You don't even try to deny it. You keep saying you'll make an appointment with the surgeon Soon™, but I'm sorry. I want that third breast NOW.

Blizzabeth: JackHole, I tried to explain to you… these things take time. I mean, I'm not sure if I'm comfortable having a third breast, but I am willing to at least look into it if it means so much to you. It's just that it's a pretty big endeavor, you know. You just need to have a little patience with me for such a huge change.

JackHole: Oh please. Pre-teen girls can grow TWO breasts, and you're an adult woman – I'm only asking you to grow ONE. Stop acting like it's such a big deal. Also, you're too tall, and I want you to be shorter.

Blizzabeth: I'm too tall? JackHole, that's the sort of thing that just… defines me. I mean, I can't exactly chop off my ankles!

JackHole: Why not?

Blizzabeth: … Well… because that... I mean that's not even… wha?

JackHole: Oh c'mon. You don't need to walk around that much. They DO have wheelchairs, you know. Oh, another thing. I don't know exactly how to say this, Blizzabeth, but… well, you're kinda a whore.

Blizzabeth: !!! I beg your pardon?

JackHole: It's just that, you're so easy. I mean, you are always there when I want you, always accessible, and there's just no challenge to get into your pantaloons anymore.

Blizzabeth: JackHole, just two years ago you told me I was too difficult and stand-offish. You said you felt like there was a whole realm of me that you never got to experience, and that it made you feel as though you weren't getting the most out of our relationship. I've tried to become accessible and available specifically because you asked me to!

JackHole: Yeah, well, it seemed to be working fine until I realized that other wives were becoming more accessible to their husbands as well. I thought maybe I was going to be the only one, and that would have been cool, but it's not anymore. Frankly, I'm a bit peeved that you gave into my demands so easily. Actually, it's too late for that. I think instead, I want you to just be male.

Blizzabeth: WHAT?!

JackHole: Yeah, this whole you-being-a-chick thing just isn't working out for me, and I'm bored and want to try something new. It's not really that hard to grow a penis, you know, you don't have to make it into this big "issue". Just the other day I saw a penis walking down the street.

Blizzabeth: JackHole, you can't be serious. This is what it's going to take to save our marriage?

JackHole: Mmmm, yeah pretty much. Look, you either change, or I'm outta here. Babe, you're competing with lots of other great folks out there, gotta tell ya. I met these two chicks named Eve and Aionia, and they are HOT.

Blizzabeth: I thought you said you were no longer interested in chicks, and that they bored you.

JackHole: Well, yeah, but that's only with you, actually. Eve and Aionia are totally different. I mean, except where they are like, the same.

Blizzabeth: You know what, JackHole? Sounds like I'm just not the person for you anymore. I give you what you want, and then you come back and tell me that you no longer want that, and that I ought to reverse myself for you. In fact, it seems like you want me to change all these things about myself that just define who I am. If that's the case, I just don't think there is any way I can salvage our relationship in the long run. I am who I am, JackHole, and if that's not what you want, then maybe you should just leave.

JackHole: WHAT? How dare you! You're my wife, you're supposed to do exactly what I ask! The husband is always right!

Blizzabeth: I'm fine with you making some relatively realistic suggestions about how we could improve this relationship. But your "suggestions" are just completely out there. I've got a lot of friends and family who happen to like who I am, and I don't feel like changing, transforming, or redefining myself just to make one person happy – a person who will probably change their mind in another couple of months. I wish you well JackHole, but I'm not really sad to see you go.


Blizzabeth: You're allowed to disagree with me of course. But do it in a mature way. Insulting me isn't going to get me to change anything, and will probably make other people laugh at you, and will ultimately get you divorced. Next time, JackHole, ask yourself if a few seconds of venting are really worth it.

NB: Please note this is what some people refer to as a work of "parody" or perhaps even an "analogy", meant solely for laughs. I can't deny that even I, on occasion, have wished Blizzabeth would grow a third breast.

9 Responses
  1. Anonymous Says:

    Pure awesome. I snorted my coffee.

  2. ::dusts off her sissy robe::

    Good. My work here is done.

  3. Fuubaar Says:

    So help me Jess, If Fulguralis starts asking me about that third boob, we will no longer be friends


  4. Shintar Says:

    That was... definitely one of the most bizarre WoW-related posts that I've ever read, but amusing! :p

  5. Fulguralis Says:

    I think I just wanted to also work JackHole into a post... ;-)

  6. Pwnyxpress Says:

    Nothing like some entertainment between random instance fails! hehe

  7. Jeff Says:

    Ahem. Giggling like a mad thing at my desk gives away the fact that I am reading your blog at work. Oops.

  8. Anonymous Says:

    There There Blizzabeth... actually i been meaning to tell you that JackHole has been playing around behind you back anyway...

    He's also been pissing off your friends.

    The important thing to remember is we love you just the way you are...

    Although I've been thinking... Plate wearing Mages and Bubble casting Shaman wouldn't bee too much to ask.. would it?

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