If you're reading this, you may be under the misconception that I am a nice person.
As of last night, know that you are officially wrong. I am a horrible, mean, cruel individual.
I wasn't always like this. I have always strived to be kind and courteous, generally warm and helpful. But something happened last night that opened my eyes to the fact that I'm not nearly as nice as I thought I was.
Up until the Naxx raid Ful threw together last night, my worst epic mistell story was the time I was talking back and forth with a friend of mine about song lyrics. I was singing Meatloaf to him... in caps. Because, you know, that's what I do. Somewhere in between "I'D RUN RIGHT INTO HELL AND BACK" and "OH YEAH I WOULD DO ANYTHING", my GM whispered me to ask me a question. I was not paying attention. He got the last few lines of the chorus. "..."
See, now, that's a slightly embarassing, but generally fairly hilarious mistell. You can't tell me you wouldn't find that funny, because I absolutely won't believe you.
Now, let's move to last night. After a humiliating, horrendous, and exhausting class at the YMCA in which we were required to work out in the middle of the main hall with all the kids from all the classes gawking at our jiggly selves, I came home, and Fulguralis was putting together a group of his guildies for the weekly raid quest, which was Anub in Naxx. Easy sauce. He asked if I wanted to join, so I said sure, he said invite your guildies, so I did, and suddenly we had 11 people. So he figured, what the hey, and decided to do it on 25 man with as many random friends we could throw together, even if it wasnt a full 25. It's just Naxx. None of us really cared about raid comp.
One of the girls who joined us is someone who may not be a very good player, but she is one of the sweetest, friendliest girls I've ever met, and she is in a friendly guild run by some very dear friends of mine. When I've run 5 mans with her in the past, we've had to be very careful to explain things clearly to her, and she seemed to really struggle on a lot of fights. A guild member had told me in a whisper once that he thinks she might be slower due to some medical issues, but I don't really know much about it. I don't think she'd ever been in Naxx, but none of us had any problem with carrying folks through, so I invited her to join us anyway while Ful got everyone settled and buffed and ready to go - she could probably get some loot upgrades, and it would be fun for her. I know she doesn't ever get to see any raiding content, and this was a good chance for her to do so in a low stress environment, where no one is giving her a hard time if her DPS is low.
I was the one who invited her in, but Fulguralis was leading the raid. I knew that most people would know the Anub fight, but she probably would not, and I wasnt sure if Ful planned on giving a boss explanation. It's not a hard fight, but it can be tricky and confusing if you dont know the fight at all, and I wanted to make sure she was at least told the basics. I was also in a ridiculously shitty mood.
So I sent Ful a tell that essentially said "Player x is borderline retarded, so make sure you explain the fight clearly to her".
Except it didn't go to Ful. I'll just let you guess who the whisper went to.
This is the part where some people might say "you know, there are add-ons that can help you avoid that." Or maybe you might suggest ways I could have played off what I said like a joke, to make it seem like I meant something else. Perhaps you may even be someone who will tell me exactly how shitty a thing that was to say, no matter who I said it to - and you are right, and I know it.
Nothing, and I mean NOTHING, will change the fact that it actually doesn't matter who I said it to. It doesn't matter if it's even slightly true either (which I don't even know) - because I meant it in a mean way, and I said it like it was perfectly natural for me to do so. There are no excuses for it. Would I have considered what a horrible thing it was to say if I hadn't sent it to the very person I was trashing? Probably not.
What kills me is that I never say things like that. I may be snarky at times, or make cracks at other people's expense, but it's usually because they are being rude to others, or someone who will dish it right back to me. But the thing is, neither of those aspects apply to this girl. She has never been anything but friendly, goofy, kind and warm to me and everyone else. I genuinely do like her, and if I didn't, I would not have invited her to join Ful on the raid he was running. She has never done anything to deserve that. I would even prefer to try and pretend that I was whispering Ful to give him a heads up out of sympathy for her or something... except even THAT (which is still patronizing) is untrue. Plain and simple, I was being a bitch. Trying to pretty it up and make it sound less awful than it is is just further insult to her.
I wish she would have ripped me a new one. I wish she would have told me off, and put me on /ignore, and told the whole guild what an awful person I am. She would have been well within her rights. But what makes me especially ashamed... is that I think she hears that kind of crap all the time. Her response was "Hey now, it's not like I'm drooling all over my keyboard!" and she laughed it off. When I told her how unbelievably sorry I was, and that it was an awful thing for me to say, she tried to make ME feel better. Which of course means that I just feel worse. Good.
I listen to people all the time complain about some idiot in their heroic pug... someone who makes a stupid choice in talents, or cant hold threat, or any other myriad of poor player choices. I hear people insult them and call them names. And I think of her, in an heroic PuG, and the kind of crap people might say to her because she struggles sometimes to play this game that she still loves.
And then I think about the fact that I just became one of those people I hate.
I doubt she will ever see this post, or know just how dreadfully sorry I am for being that person. I doubt she will ever warmly greet me again, though I know she will never be rude. And no matter how many times she may struggle through a fight, I will be the one who lost most - because as a human being, she proved tonight to be much more superior to me than I thought I was to her.